If you have ever been to church you have probably heard a little joke come from the pastor before the sermon starts. They use it mostly to break their own ice. Public speaking is easier when you make the crowd laugh before you say anything else.
This morning I was streaming a live sermon given by a guy I once considered a friend. He knows of my gender issues and, of course, has told me to “repent.”
He started off, predictably, with a joke. It goes something like this: “I remember as a kid I used to love watching Bruce Jenner play. I would pray that I could be like him. Boy am I glad God didn’t answer that prayer.” This, of course, was followed by a congregation full of laughter.
I am triggered just by writing this. Words can’t do justice to the pain.
This quip was followed by a sermon that started off with how God abandoned Samson because of his disobedience. Next was a trip to Romans 1, which is the go-to passage used to denounce “homosexual” practice as sin.
The passage says that God “gave them over" to their lusts. This is often interpreted to mean that homosexuality is God’s punishment, as was the case in this sermon. His fundamental point was that God has abandoned gay people, just like he did with Samson. And of course he threw “transsexuals” into the group of the abandoned, though that passage makes no hint of the topic.
Still, I sat and watched, paralyzed by an emotion with no name. I was watching this with my wife and children. She was streaming it from her laptop. At the end she gave the video a “like.”
At the end she gave the video a “like.”
Once I managed to get up I headed to my bed despite it being the middle of the day. My strength was sapped. I strongly considered suicide. I knew exactly how I would do it, but knew I wouldn’t be brave enough.
When my wife finally came and found me I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. The conversation ended with her telling me that she believes God has “given [me] over to a depraved mind,” a quote from Romans 1. She said this not out of heightened emotions, but with full sincerity.
And I can’t leave her. I can’t leave my children. Maybe what was said was true. Maybe God has abandoned me…
